Autonomy For Children: Food Choices And Eating Habits
With all five of my children, I’ve worked toward giving them varying degrees of control over what, how much, and when they eat. It’s looked different with each of them. Some have had more success listening to their bodies and making healthy decisions than others. Part of that is related to pre-adoption early childhood trauma.
I want to share something that happened last week, partly for parents who are ready to give their children more freedom over their food choices. I’ll also include some tips to help you get started.
When I buy groceries, I involve my kids by asking what they would like from the store as I’m making my list.
Loralye (10): I’d like some peanuts.
Me: Anything else?
Loralye: I really wanted to try goat cheese. Can we get some?
Me: Uh, goat cheese? Okay. Landen, how about you?
Landen (9): Can you get those beans that Jacqueline buys? She makes them with brown rice.
Me: (calling my daughter Jacqueline to find out which beans he’s talking about) Okay, got it. Anything else?
Landen: BBQ chips. And also celery.
When Jacqueline was 11, this conversation happened. I had gone food shopping and bought a few different kinds of cookies and donuts for snacks. I also bought grapes and bananas.
Me: Look at all the goodies I bought for snacks (meaning the sweets).
Jacqueline: (looking at what I bought, but then seeing the grapes) Grapes!! Thanks, Mom!
These are real-life examples of guiding your kids to make their own food choices. And I say guiding because it’s a process. Some parents will say, “My child would eat candy all day if I let them do what they want.”
And they’re right.
Transitioning from complete control to letting them do as they please is setting them up to fail. Taking small, consistent steps is the key to making this successful. As I mentioned earlier, each of my kids has had varying degrees of success.
Some Tips to Get Started:
Involve your kids in creating the grocery list. Start by giving them a food group to suggest an item from, such as fruit. Ask them to choose which fruit you buy.
Never use food as a punishment or a pre-planned reward.
Let them see you making good food choices.
Ask them what they’d like for breakfast (or lunch).
When offering snacks, include a healthy option alongside whatever you’re serving. Having chips? Put out some carrot sticks too. Cake or pie? Cut up a small bowl of fruit. Don’t tell them to eat it—leave it out and let them decide.
I hope this helps parents who want to guide their children toward more freedom and control over their food and eating habits. Helping our children develop a healthy relationship with food is a journey, not a quick fix. It takes patience, trust, and lots of small steps along the way. When we gradually give them the freedom to make their own choices, we’re teaching them to listen to their bodies, think critically about what they eat, and build confidence in their decisions. Every child will approach this differently, but with steady guidance and support, we can help them grow into adults who have a balanced, thoughtful connection with food.
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