April 16, 2021. I’ve never shared my “come to Jesus” moment online, but I’d like to since today is the 4th anniversary.
It happened in the middle of the night, and when I woke up, I immediately wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget. I will type out exactly what I wrote, but first, a little background.
I was born Roman Catholic, but when I was 22, I became agnostic and stayed that way until that night in 2021. I first tried being an atheist, but it didn’t feel right for me. I’ll try to explain why, although it may not make sense. Being an atheist felt as absolute as believing in God (just on the other end). Although I am prone to black/white thinking (one side or the other-no middle ground), I wasn’t comfortable saying there was no God because I did not know for sure, so agnostic it was.
The first part of 2021 was a very traumatic time for me. In a six-month period, so many things happened. I had my very first hospital stay, which included my first IV for hip surgery. The following month, my husband Billy and I decided to adopt our grandkids whom we had custody of for the previous two years. This also involved having our daughter’s parental rights terminated (highly traumatizing for us to have to do that). The following month, I was in the hospital for a second time for a week for a colon infection, while still recovering from hip surgery (I was still using a walker at that point and could not walk on my own). I can not express how traumatizing these hospital stays were for me. Then two months later, my family and I got Covid.
Here is what I wrote in the early morning hours of April 16, 2021:
𝘚𝘰 – 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘯 𝘶𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.
𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘰𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘍𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴. 𝘕𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺, 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘭 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯, 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩, 𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘭, 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘮. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵.
𝘓𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬, 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘺.
𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 4:00 𝘈𝘔 𝘵𝘰 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮. 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬, 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘥 (𝘣𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘦𝘳), 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘥, 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘉𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘮𝘦. 𝘈𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘥, 𝘐 𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 “𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴, 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦?” 𝘱𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩. 𝘈𝘴 𝘐 𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦, 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭. 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘉𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦.
𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.
That’s the end of what I wrote that morning. It was a life-changing moment for me, so much that I didn’t tell anyone for six months, and when I finally did, I only told Billy. I’ll continue how my Jesus journey progressed in another post sometime, but for now, I wanted to share this on the fourth anniversary.
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