In 2002, I began to chronicle my adoption journey and created Forever Parents, a supportive online community for adoptive and waiting parents. Over the next year, we grew our support forums to include an adoption shop and a blog. Forever Parents stayed active, helping thousands of people for over ten years. I’m in the process of updating and moving all the posts to this blog, in the Forever Parents section. This post was originally published on April 26, 2008.
Adopting older children is not for the faint of heart. I have three children that we adopted at the ages of 5, 8 & 11 and if anything, it’s never boring. Sometimes people don’t want to talk about the damage done to children while they wait in foster care. Damage they then bring into their new family.
Here is a list of 15 honest, informative questions to ask before adopting older children through the foster care system. It were lovingly compiled by Linny, the co-administrator at our adoption forums. Following you’ll find additional thoughts on adopting older children from one of our moderators.
“My husband and I have adopted seven children to date. However, our ‘forever family’ has not followed what we are usually taught in adoption circles in terms of ‘forever’. Because of this, I compiled a list of questions I feel are vital in trying to determine if adopting an older child is a good idea for you and your family. We have gone through terrible roads with our children who were adopted as older children and would never do it again. I think had we had this kind of info in the beginning, we would have thought twice about our placements.
In addition to the list, I would also like to add that we could never recommend ‘mixing’ infant adoptions with older child adoptions. For our family, this has been disastrous, to say the least.
Rather, I think that older child adoptions have the greatest chance for success, when the family has ONLY adopted in this way and realizes the continued baggage these children may/will/do bring with them”.
Having adopted three older children through foster myself, I know that her list is an invaluable tool to anyone who may be considering it. Older child adoption is not for the faint of heart and it’s something you must go into with your eyes open.
1. What is the number of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually, folks are uneasy to disclose the ‘why’ but I’d really try to find out!)
2. Permission (and I’ve done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This info can prove to be INVALUABLE…and most foster parents will gladly provide info as to the ‘why’)
3. “Why” didn’t past foster parents adopt this child?
4. At what age was the child ‘removed from the biological home’..what type of prenatal care (especially drug use, etc), what’s the situation with any siblings (adoption, prenatal drug use, residential care, etc.?)
5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW and what types has the child been on previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what type of professional (psychiatrist, psychologist, or your ‘mental health counselor’ who suspects something?)
6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and ‘why’? Try to get the psychologicals on the birth parents. (In some places, this is a ‘no-no’, but we’ve been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic predisposition.)
7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance they’ll be a problem?
8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you’d like the paperwork!
9. What’s this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her biological family?
10. What type of relationship did this child have with birth parents? ie, was this child forced into being the ‘parent’ because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child have to take care of younger, older sibs?
11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well? (And I don’t care how old the child is because this may still be a problem.)
12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnosis of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has ‘the system’ helped this child deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)
13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?
14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long since the last time?
15. And one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF: “If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/her behavior ‘just as they are, NOW’ as if there would be NO improvement, etc. I think this is important, as classes continually say that ‘this child just needs some love and attention and permanency, and you’ll see how much improvement this child will make!!!” This DOESN’T ALWAYS happen and is a point to consider when taking on special needs children.
Use this list if you are in the process of adopting an older child/ren through foster care. Remember, not asking questions, won’t make the issues they struggle with go away. We adopted three children at the age of five, eight and eleven. My oldest is facing a residential facility because he can not function within a family, my middle child has overcome a lot of her issues with help from us and therapy and still has a long road in front of her and my youngest is a very happy and emotionally healthy child.
One of the moderators at Forever Parents had this to add:
My advice would be to realize that love alone does not cure-all. It takes love, perserverence, crying, yelling, laughing, patience, uderstanding, knowledge, strength beyond your wildest dreams. You can never imagine what you are getting yourself into. Seek out others who have done what you are doing.
Normal parenting techniques will not work and don’t listen to ‘oh, my child does that’ from parents who do not have attachment disordered children. Do this from the start. Expect to never be loved by your child, hope that you will be. Expect their uncaring attitude never to change, hope that it will. Expect and be prepared for the worst, hope for the best. The best may never happen though, so don’t put all your effort into the hoping.
It’s OK if it doesn’t, some children may never heal, the damage was done by someone else, not you. Don’t think you’ve failed them, or that your efforts were in vain. You can make a huge impact, and only see a small change, but you’ve done something no one else has, you’ve provided safety and stability.
Our older child adoption has been a success story. It has not been easy, far from it. Our son is resiliant, not all children have that. We have all been very fortunate. At 11 years old I am happy to say he is a normal pre-teen (not that that’s always easy either, lol), he has become ‘respectful, responsible and fun to be around’.
I am very proud of him, and I enjoy the relationship we have. A true connection, a true mother son relationship. He is a great young man, my wonderful son”.
very interesting and helpful… i wish i could adopt an older child from russia, but the chances of having fetal alcohol syndrome/exposure or reactive attachment disorder seems too high. i wish i knew more success stories with russian adoption, because a lot of the kids from adoption blogs seem to have either 1 of those 2 severe disorders, or other emotional/behavioral issues.
It almost sounds like there is really no point and no hope for these kids. Adoption doesn’t seem any better than thefoster care they are in if nothing changes. I am I seeing this from the wrong perspective.
Good info. My wife and I are thinking about adopting and I would prefer a kid that’s out of diapers (no interest in changing them!), but it sounds like emotional issues could definitely be a problem.
Still, I know older kids need a home too..
I have a question about adopting older kids.. well more than one question!
I have heard that the kids that are photolisted on places like adopt us kids have real challenges. Has anyone heard that too or experienced that? I have five bio kids ( ages 14 girl, 11 boy, 6 girl, 5 boy and 3 1/2 girl) and I want to adopt older kids but I am afraid that I won’t be told everything about the child and then I put the rest of the kids at risk of something happening. Any suggestions? We are still in the pondering stages of this journey but adopting has been in my heart for a number of years. Any suggestions or advice is really appreciated!
We are on the final stretch before adopting our 7 year old son to be. We have a 9 year old and have turned down two matches. This child is a resilient soul, and we are leaving no stone unturned. FASD is a likely cross he could bear, although he appears symptomless at present. Your information was far better than most I have seen. We are meeting with his doctor next week and I will ask some serious questions then. I hope and pray to find a child that fits into our lives, but the truth is that we will have to wrap our lives around him. I accept this, but it is very hard. Thanks so much for this forum!
Thanks for the tip on quesitons to ask. I am going this Monday for a meeting about a 7yr old little boy. I had 2 boys 5 and 6 in my home for 6 months, was not told everything they had been through!! I was shocked at all that went on!! I now want to go into this with my eyes wide open!! So the more questions I have to ask, the more I hope to learn sooner than later!!
We had a failed adoption of a sibling group of 3 boys ages 5, 7 and 10 last year. They had been in care for 4 years. We, clueless at the time, thought that LOVE and STABILITY could fix the boys. We brought them into our home (we have a bio. 8 year old)and in the three weeks they were here, we witnessed cutting, schizophrenia, the middle one made his seat belt into a nuse twice, it was one thing after another. We were prepared for behavioral outbursts, be we were not made aware of their serious mental issues. We didn’t have a clue what we were getting into. I am bitter and jaded now, when I see organizations trying to make adopting older children sweet and fuzzy, I think what a lie, and it almost destroyed our family.
Thank you for this very honest article. It is very realistic and I’m glad to see an effort to educate people about something so important. I especially appreciate what you said about not blaming yourself or feeling like a failure as a parent. We need to be reminded every day of what we are providing these kids even if they don’t ever see it or appreciate what we have done for them.
I wonder if anyone could offer some help to me. I’m doing some research on older child adoption and volunteering for the Heart Gallery of America to photograph children waiting for adoption. I really need some positive feedback to support my research and it’s hard to find. I need to write in favor of older adoptions and show how it’s worth it. Show ways that we can help to make it work like educating people beforehand so they don’t have unrealistic expectations as you are doing here. Most of what I’m finding is negative or warnings and statistics about how many older adoptions fail.
Anybody have some help to offer? ..know anywhere I can look for the positive statistics? perhaps more lists and suggestions to help people who are considering. Support for after placement?
Thanks!
This is a good list. I think sometimes adoption is pushed onto people and painted in glowing colors without any mention of the realities of life. We adopted a toddler several years ago and it’s been a great success. Now we’re thinking about adopting another, possibly older, child and I’ve had some real concerns. Thanks for your honesty.
Thank you for your insights….my husband and I are at the beginning of the long road of trying to adopt a 12 1/2 yr. old female. We are expecting a difficult path too, but are hoping for the best. Finally, someone who truely speaks the language of adopting. Everything you wrote is so true….Although I work as a counselor in a residential facility for abused children, it is still so different when the child enters your home. I really believed that I could handle any child with emotional issues. However, my husband and I are now just beginning to comprehend that the child we are trying to adopt, has so many hurdles to face. We are optimisitic about her future potential, but we are also realistic in understanding that she may never fully recover from her trauamtic past, no matter how much love and support we give her. I am glad that you wrote about asking yourself if you could really handle your child’s behaviors if you were to never see improvement, prior to jumping into adopting an older child with special needs. Even after I had a difficult night of trying to transition my child to bed, I find comfort in knowing that yes, if the most that I can do for my child is provide her a safe and stable home, than I have not failed as new parent, but rather succesfully attempted to provide a better existence under which she may thrive. Another thing I would add to your list above, is to rememeber that when raising a special needs child or a child that is older, is that you need to try to forget about all the other indiviuals that may react to your child. These children will stand out and their issues may fustrate the normal population at times, due to a lack of empathy or complete understanding of the issues that will face our children as they grow. As their adoptive parent, YOU and only YOU are their advocate, their protector, their biggest supporter. In taking on these roles, I can only recomend that we as adoptive parents need to communicate to the world the language of love and laughter, especially when we are trying to teach the world around us accptance of special children who are unique and who often dance to their own tune reguardless of how the world sees them…..
Great list, I question if there would be any older child in the system that doesn’t have some type of attachment issues. Yes, RAD is the biggest of biggies. Number 15 is the test, some things may never get better, can you live with that? John